


In Your Arms

by Kmomodf



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:56:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3709121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kmomodf/pseuds/Kmomodf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is plagued with PTSD and nightmares to which Eren comes in to comfort him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was hit with some mega mega feels after watching ACWNR OVA2 and couldn't help but write this little number.  
> Comment/kudos/feedback of any sort are all very very much appreciated!

Blood drips down my forehead into my hands as screams of the dead and dying echo in my ears. The steam of giant corpses whirl around me as I stare into eyes that have lost their glow. Which could very much be due to the fact that the head in which they lie is bent back at a 90 degree angle. But that is okay, all of this is okay.

Because it’s not real.

_It’s not real._

Her mouth is turned down, every muscle in her face frozen with despair. It’s not the girl I know. It doesn’t suit her.  

_It’s not real._

Her strawberry blond hair is soaked to a darker red. Blood red.

_Not real._

I close my eyes and give it a moment to disappear. The screaming stops.

_Not real._

I let out a breath  and extend my hand in her direction. Ready for relief when all I get is empty space. Only my fingers are met with matted strands of hair.

_Real._

The same dulled amber eyes greet me as I snap my own open; wide but unseeing.

_Really real._

Same screams start again, ringing around me.

_Fuck, this is actually happening._

I can’t breath. I don’t want to breath. This can’t be real, but it fucking is. Because I can smell the rot in the air, its stench burns the back of my throat. Can feel each bead of blood and sweat roll down my face, mocking me with every fucking sensation they give. I can taste the death around me, poison with each breath. The worst, oh the fucking worst is that I can see the acceptance in her face. The despair and recognition that this was the end. Petra, _my_ Petra, broken in every sense of the word. All at once I’m deafened by all the fucking screams, I can’t escape them. The shrill screech in the air. Make it stop.

_Please make it stop._

Just like that, silence settles around me, and I honestly don’t know if I like it better.

It’s haunting.

Final.

 _“Heichou?”_ A voice calls, barely audible even through the daunting silence.

Who said that? 

_Damn it I know that voice!_

I whip my head in every direction, but all I see are the half eaten corpses of my comrades. I search and search for the voice. Because it means that one of them, _one of them_ , is alive.  

 _“H-heichou?”_ The mysterious voice echos around me once more, calling for my attention. I look frantically around, feet carrying me in all directions.

Though, when the back of my ankle hits something, my search is cut as I topple backward. I sit up, my legs still resting on whatever obscured my path, and I can’t help but cry out and scramble away as quickly as I can once I’m able to make it out. A body. A fucking corpse only identifiable by the blood stained cravat around it’s neck, and the curled mass of sandy hair limply hanging from the gruesomely twisted head. Auruo. My hands are my support as I push myself back from his mangled body.

_I’m sorry._

My right hand splashes into a puddle too thick to be water. It spills from the sky, and I turn my head toward it. Gunter swings with the a matching expression. His body broken, blood dripping from the contusions caused by protruding bones and the gravity strained harness.

_Not you too._

Another cry rips through the air, and I’m running. Through a forest of bones and rot. All the faces of the departed gazing up at me. I stop in a clearing, desperately gasping for air.

_“Levi-Heichou!”_

Tears flow freely down my cheeks and I fall to my knees. The steam clears and Isabel’s moon shines down on me. I choke back a sob and look up to it. Between the branches it’s the only thing I see. No stars only darkness. I follow one of it’s beams to the ground. I shouldn’t have.

Erd lies peacefully in the breezing grass. Stoic. Unbreakable, but still _dead_.

_I’m so sorry._

I’m shaking. Anger, guilt, sorrow, fear, desperation have evolved into numbness, and I’m fucking drowning in it.

The moonbeam passes from him, casting him once more in the shadows, as it moves on to the next set of victims.

_My first victims._

To the right, a bodiless head looks directly at me. Confused and utterly terrified, she’s petrified with a deaf scream. Life missing from her eyes. A sight I could never imagine. Never wanted to imagine. Because she was so fucking full of it, it shone through those evergreen eyes from the moment I saw her. From the moment she was born, I imagine. Untamable spirit. An uncageable dove. Now she stares at nothing through fogged lenses.

To my left, I see Farlan, terror permanently etched on his face. My best friend. My brother. No longer able to call to anyone. My lungs quit entirely and I stumble backward, eyes still glued to them because maybe, just maybe it’s not them. Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me.

Another scream rips through the air. I can feel it rock me to my core.

 _“LEVI!”_ The phantom voice calls once more, but I can’t answer it, can’t fucking tear my eyes away from them. I pull at the roots of my hair.

Stop the screaming! Please. Please.

_“Levi, it’s okay.”_

It hits me this time. The owner of this echoing voice.

_Eren._

Where is he?

_Please don't be dead._

It’s not okay. It’s not fucking okay.

I look again and again. Until I end up in the same spot as before.

Nobody’s here.

_I am alone._

Always alone.

_I killed them._

_I killed all of them._

I give up and fall to my knees once more. This is it, I can't fucking take this.

 _"Levi-"_ He call from the distance. I lift my chin to see him walking away in the moonlight. Then I’m running. Running toward him because I need to get to him. Need to save him before I end up killing him, but their final cries play like thunder from the sky. Then, right as I'm start to catch up to him, I fall into a river.

Cool water glues the fabric of my uniform to my skin, and I wince from the cut I've gained on my leg. 

I look up, hoping to at least be able to see Eren in the distance, but he has disappeared along with the moonlight. 

In frustration I slap the surface of the water only to realize it is a stream of cold blood. Their blood, and it's all over me. Stained for all eternity. 

I scream, and try pushing myself back. Try closing my eyes and shaking it all away. My body is raking with breathless sobs that I no longer try to hold back.

 _“Shh, I’m here.”_   _Eren._ And just like that I can breath again. My eyes are still clamped shut, but I can feel everything shift. Can no longer feel the slick mud on my hands, nor the damp chill of my soaked pants. The air is warmer, calmer, quieter. Instead of a rough tree trunk tearing up my back, I feel a soft presence expanding and contracting steadily. I’m still shaking, tears fall like a waterfall from my clamped eyes, and I’m still terrified to open them. Though I’m vaguely aware of the limitation of my movement as I continue to rock myself into comfort.

Then I feel the nuzzle of a head on the right side my own. Feel hot breath fan against the crook of my neck. Soft hair brushing against my shoulder.

_Real._

But it can’t be. I won’t be fooled again.

If I open my eyes I’ll be met with the same horror I’ve been plagued with.

“I’ve got you.” It comes out as no more than a whisper, but I heard it. No longer as a distant echo. Felt it against my neck. Just as I can feel the strong arms wrapped around me, and the knees bent at each side of my hips. Feel a steady rhythm beating through to my back.

This is real.

This is safe.

So I take a chance, and I open my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's fucked up and made me really sad writing it, but, I mean, it's not all super depressing. Right??  
> Idk if I'll do another chapter, it really just depends on how this one does.  
> I.E encouraging comments/ feedback of any sort *cough*cough*  
> I know it's super short, definitely not what I'm used to posting, but it ended where it needed to end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's POV from the last chapter.

I refuse to sleep. I slept enough after Sina. After Annie. Since I woke up I have hardly eaten, barely slept, barely even spoken. I had been lucky enough when I was unconscious from shifting to not be plagued by nightmares. By memories. Of their faces that smile at me behind my eyelids; of the laughter of those who are dead that fill my ears. _Because of me._

Because for some reason I was labeled as Humanity’s Last Hope. For some reason they put their trust in me. A fucking kid. A fucking nobody with an incredible ability and absolutely no clue how to fucking do anything with it. Except fight, and even then I get the everloving shit beaten out of me. Even then I end up knocked out for days at a time, because I’m too fucking _weak_.

I’m too fucking _useless._

Jean has been right all along. I’m just an asshole who talks a good game, but in the face of battle, fails miserably. Fuck, the first time I faced Titans I was eaten alive before I even had the chance to really fight! If I didn’t have this burden of a power I would have _died._ Just like that. Because I rushed in with false confidence, like I do with everything. I never fucking learn.

What the fuck are these tears for! Why can’t I just suck it up? I need to be strong like the Captain. Like Mikasa. How do they fucking do it? _How?_

Why couldn’t one of them have this power? Then maybe humanity would have an actual chance. Then maybe they wouldn’t have died. Wouldn’t have had to put up with a useless brat like me.

 _Stop fucking crying!_ I wipe my eyes with a little more force than strictly necessary. I’m so fucking  angry. At the monsters beyond the wall, the traitors within them, but mostly at myself. I want to yell, want fucking scream my throat raw, to hurt something, but it’s the dead of night and I refuse to wake anyone up. Refuse to let them know that I can’t sleep, that I can’t handle this guilt. Because I can’t let them know how wrong they were to put their faith in me. I can’t take away their last hope. 

So I settle for throwing my pillow across the room with as much force as I can muster. I can’t stand this! This comfort of a soft bed in an actual fucking room with a window and everything. I don’t deserve this. So I begin to pace. Back and forth, back and forth. Alternating between wiping my eyes and shaking out the memories. Of Petra and Auro’s bickering. Erd and Gunter’s encouragement. Of Marco’s unshakable faith. Thomas, Franz, Mina, Nac, Hannah, Mom.

 _Mom_.

It always comes back to her, doesn’t it? I slam by back on the wall and slide down to the floor. Pulling my knees to my chest, I immediately collapse into them. Tears stream shamelessly down my cheeks as my body rakes with silent sobs. I wasn’t strong enough then, and I’m not strong enough now.

_Nothing’s changed._

My head pounds ruthlessly behind my swollen eyes and I try to accommodate it by leaning it against the wall. Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I have apologized? Did I ever tell her how much I loved her? I don’t remember anymore. Everything else about that day is vividly engraved in my memory; collecting firewood, fighting with her, storming out of the house. Every scream of terror as the Colossal titan reduced our home to rubble. If I close my eyes I can see every line on her face etched in pain and fear. Remember every drop of blood that fell to the earth as she was bitten in two. It’s the little things that blur together. Her smell, her laugh, her smile. I can hardly remember them, and I’m not entirely convinced that what I do remember is the truth or some cleverly crafted ghost of it. I can’t remember the last time I hugged her. Nor the last time she gave me a goodnight kiss. How horrible is that?

I pull at the roots of my hair and try to steady my breathing when I hear it. A muffled cry. I strain my ears in the hopes of finding the source.

 _“No, no,no.”_ Is rushed in pained succession through the very wall I lean against. Whoever they are, they sound like they’re either in pain or complete panic, the thought of either has me opening the door to the hall and knocking on the room beside mine.

No answer. Strange, if someone else was up, why wouldn’t they come to the door? I try the knob and find it unlocked. Perfect. The door creaks noisily in the silence of wherever the hell we are and I wince at it. I really hope I didn't wake anyone. As I poke my head in the small gap I've made, I realize there is nothing but moonlight casting a dull glow through the window. The mysterious person makes another pained whine from where they toss and turn on the tiny bed in the corner.

"Um...are you alright?" I ask in a hurried whisper. No response. Just as I feared, they must be sleeping. Knowing all too well the horror of the unconscious mind, I make no hesitations when I cross the room. In the shadows I see the back of their head, raven hair splayed on the pillow and-shit, an undercut to match. My breath catches as he tosses to his other side. Even by the dim moonlight, there's no mistake; It's the Captain. His breathing is inconsistent and heavy, his face is etched in pain, and I can see clearly the sweat on his brow.

"Heichou?" I quietly try to lull him out of whatever hell he's trapped in. His breath stops for a moment and he shakes his head, tossing once more. "H-heichou?"

Terror shoots through his brow, a soft scream into his pillow " _I'm sorry._ " He breathes between a choked cry.

He flails his arms, pushing his sheets off all the while shaking his head frantically. _"No"_

He exclaims horsely. He’s shaking his head and keeps repeating “ _dead, dead, dead.”_

And I can’t fucking stand it any longer. Can’t stand seeing this strong man so utterly broken.

"Levi-heichou!" I try again, moving to his side to place my hands on his shoulders. Still he doesn't wake. He yells again, this time loud enough to echo in the empty room. Then another, and another, each one more raw than the last. “LEVI!” I yell shaking his shoulders. His screams are reduced to whimpers as his body shakes with sobs. My heart aches for him because, fuck, this is the exact reason I don’t sleep. I can only imagine what horrors are flashing behind his eyelids. How many lost souls weigh on his shoulders? How many times has he had to look into the eyes of family members to tell them all they had lost? “Levi, it’s okay.”

He’s so fucking strong, so determined that seeing him like this makes me realize how alone he must feel. At least I have Mikasa and Armin, but who does he have? Erwin? Hanji?

Maybe, but he’s still humanities strongest to them. He still just  a clean freak with a shitty sense of humor. Pun intended. Still I wonder, who does he have that he can let his guard down with? Someone who he can be honest with. Someone he can show his fears, his sorrows, and his hopes to. Caught up in these thoughts, I cup his cheeks and wipe away some of his tears.

“Levi-.” I start, more to myself than him. Pushing aside what hair has fallen in his face, I decide that I we’re not as different as I thought. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still stronger than me in everyway, but he is also haunted. He is also wounded. He is also burdened.

His breaths start coming in shorter and shorter. I don’t know what to do, but I can easily see that he’s working himself toward a panic attack. So I do the only thing I can think of, the same thing my mom would do when I woke up screaming. I prop him up enough that I can position myself behind him. His only response is to start digging his nails into his palms. His jaw is tightly clenched, his entire body shakes uncontrollably. His slams violently against my chest as I wrap my arms around him and try to pry his fingernails from his palms by interlocking them with my own. Another broken cry deafens me as I still his head by placing mine onto his shoulder. “Shh, I’m here.” I say into his ear. I’m very conscious to keep my own breath steady and calm, and it seems to work. Just like that his entire body relaxes. His grip on my hands have loosened, his breath is still shaky, but much stronger. I also loosen up on my hold, and rest my forehead on his shoulder. He’s still crying, still trapped in his own mind. “I’ve got you.” I breath into his neck.

We sit there for a few minutes. His breathing returns to normal, his crying has stopped. I can tell it’d be alright to leave him now, but I don’t. I can’t. Because this is the first time in the last week that I’ve felt like this. _Safe._

Just his weight against my chest, his warmth within my arms makes me feel less alone. I’m content to stay like this the rest of the evening. Who knows, I might even be able to sleep.

“Is there any particular reason you’re holding my hand, Jaeger?” So much for that. I immediately drop my arms and back myself to the wall. He twists around to look at me. Even in the dim moonlight I can tell that his eyes are red and puffy despite the cold glare he’s fixing me with.

“I, um-” I stammer while avoiding eye contact.

“Well?”

“I heard you cry,” I start, flicking my eyes to his. “And I just could stand seeing you in so much pain.”

His eyes widen, his mouth parts, and he just stays there and looks at me. I try to match his gaze, try to express that I meant what I said. That I care, but as the silence stretches on I can’t help but gulp nervously. What did I say? Was that wrong? What else should I do?

He’s first to break eye contact, casting it to the floor instead. He clears his throat. “Thank you, Eren.”  


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I decided to post the rewrites chapter by chapter starting with this one. For those of you who are coming to this story for the first time, WELCOME! For those of you who have been with this from the start, I hope you stick with the edits. I hate doing this, but I really had no desire to continue without going through it again. Once again, the main plot points will be hit and not everything will changed, and nothing completely completely redone. So, yeah, bare with me and sorry I couldn't get it right the first time!

I'm so warm.

So, I don't know, safe?

When the hell did I fall asleep?

Images of my nightmare flash in my mind, waking me with a start; and that's when it hits me. The reason I feel so warm. The reason, to my surprise, comes in the form of an Eren shaped lump.

An Eren shaped lump who’s got me in a death grip.

One arm tightly wrapped around my waist as I prop myself up with my elbows; the other lays haphazardly over his head.

How did this happen?

Oh, right, he came in, and _I let him stay._

_Shit._

I take a deep breath and run my free hand through my sweat soaked (disgusting) hair. I need to leave. I need a shower and a shit to clear my mind. Better not make eye contact with the kid for the day either. I squirm up a bit to get out of his hold, but to no avail. I try rolling to the edge of the bed and the tiny crack between the mattress and the wall. Nope.

“Dammit, Eren, let me go!” I hiss.

Flicking his forehead doesn’t even do it. Though it elicits a small groan and a furrowed brow, it only causes him to pull himself closer to me. Shit.

“Oi, wake up.” I try flicking his forehead again.

“Mhmm.”

“Eren...” I say lowly, my voice thick with warning.

“Mmmmmm” He whines as he _snuggles_ closer. Little shit. He’s waking up, I know it, still he’s playing as though he’s sound asleep. “Eren, I’m going to count the three, and if you don’t let me go, you’ll meet the floorboards.”

“Mm.” Something like a smile crosses his face. Oh that’s fucking _it_.

“Three.” With one hand to his chest and a half shove, he’s falling to the floor with a thud.

“ _Levi_!” He whines while sitting up and rubbing his head. The sheets, having taking the fall with him, keeps his legs tangled.

“That’s Heichou to you, Jaeger.”

“Sorry, Heichou.” He apologizes with averted eyes before pushing himself to his feet. His shirt hangs loosely from one shoulder and he yawns with a stretch.  

Sudden and unexplainable heat rushes into my cheeks. I end up having to focus my eyes to the wall opposite of him. “Don’t worry about it, Jaeger. Just go get cleaned up or something.”

“Yes, Heichou.” He says with vigor, and a salute no doubt. I look back just in time to see the door close behind him. Another deep seeded sigh escapes me and I finally acquaint my feet with the floor.

Well, damn, what now?

 _Shower first, thinking later_.

I can’t help the moan that sounds as the warm water smooths over my skin. The basin overhead the holed spout will only last so long, and I’ll be damned if I let it go to waist. So I allow myself another second of just enjoying the water before starting my rigorous routine for personal hygiene. This keeps my mind occupied- keeps me from thinking too much about last night. About Eren.

That is, until the inevitable happens and the basin empties. Then all I have are my thoughts as I shrug into my suit, as I re-wrap my ankle, and even as my fingers work on my cravat.   

I can’t seem to shake the memory of his warmth- of his breath on my neck- of his steady heartbeat against my back.

Just the comfort of knowing someone I care about is still alive.

 _Care about, huh?_ Well, shit, when did that happen?

Sometime when I thought I'd lose him, I suppose. True, getting him back from the Female Titan was absolutely necessary to the expedition, but I can’t deny the relief I felt when I carried him with me through those big ass trees. Even with my love-crazed cousin on our heels. Even though it cost me my ankle. Just the fact that I could save _him_ when I couldn’t save the others.

Nor can I deny the overwhelming relief when I heard he was alive after his last fight with the Female Titan. When I saw him passed out in Hanji’s arms, I wished that when he woke this would all be a bad dream.

That when he woke, he wouldn’t have the burden he has. That he didn’t have to be in this cruel war. When he was out, he looked so exhausted, but also peaceful.

After I accompanied him to his bed, I absentmindedly moved the strands of hair from his face. Truth be told, Mikasa barreling in the small room stopped me from running my thumb over his cheekbone. I don’t know why I felt compelled to do so in that moment. I don’t know why I wish him a pardon from the pain this life brings when so many men and women suffer and lose their lives in it. I don’t know why I let him stay last night.

_Don’t overthink this. You were lonely and he was there._

Right, but is that really it?

“Levi Heichou,” Armin calls from the doorway. With a salute, of course, which I appreciate as an officer, but annoyed with as a soldier because, the way I see it, we're all the same in the end so why is being superior so important to us as a society. “We’ve readied the wagons to rendezvous with squad leader Mike inside Wall Maria.”

“Thank you, Arlert.” I nod as he follows me through the door. I have more pressing things to worry about other than _him_. I need to let this go. I need to focus on the task at hand which is exactly what I do as we sit in the back of the wagon. Eren actually looks slightly less exhausted sitting between his best friend and the girl who is absolutely pining over him. I stay with my arms crossed under my jacket and a gun pointed directly at our unwelcomed guest. Focusing on the conversation I interject when I find it necessary. When I return to listening I unintentionally find my eyes fixed to Eren. So much for avoiding eye contact. I watch him as Hanji drones on and on about the titan skin, the walls, the girl in the crystal- needlessly reminding this kid of all that depends on him.

Eren.

The savior.

Our last hope.

He holds my gaze as he absorbs this information. This new burden added to his shoulders. I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but that’s the shitty existence we lead. _This_ will save us, _this_ may dramatically help in saving humanity. Frankly, I’m skeptical that Eren learning to harden his skin will _save_ humanity because, let’s be honest, “humanity” is pretty fucked already. But I suppose, as a species, it’s a 10 meter class step in the right direction. Maybe someday we'll actually break out of these walls. And he’ll do it because there doesn’t seem to be any other way. Eren’s eyes falter to the key round his neck, eyes brimming  with the same determination I saw in that damn cell- the same ones that ensnared me in their depth. He looks back to me with those passionate eyes, and I want to give him some sign of encouragement. I refrain, however, I can’t cloud his determination with what could be false hope. Can’t let him feel worse if he fails.

Mikasa goes ahead and moves her hand to his knee for the encouragement I can’t offer. He squeezes it, but his eyes stay locked with my own. I shift my focus to Mikasa in time to recognize the blush creeping onto her cheeks. My stomach twists as I clench my jaw. I don’t like that. But it’s not like it’s anything new. She’s in love with him, anyone with any sense can tell which only means that Eren has no sense. I’ve seen her oggle over him countless times, so why does it bother me now?

I must still be bitter about my ankle. It’s been a few weeks already, and I thought I let it go pretty much right away, but there’s no other reason I should feel this way right now.

Unless… no, it’s just her attitude. That’s right, it’s pissing me off.

“I don’t know why you’re so attached to Eren,” I absolutely know what it is, and she knows it. “But control yourself.” My eyes flicker to a very confused Eren and stay there as I continue talking with Mikasa. “Don’t mess up again.”

“...Yes, sir.” She all but snarls. “ **Of course**.”

Both Eren and I turn our gaze to her while Armin stares intently at the shard of titan skin in his hand. Eren looks both concerned and confused and I’m sure I look stern. Yes, that feeling must have been this. Her attitude just won’t due. I can’t rely on insubordination and I simply won’t tolerate it.

When we get to our destination, we unload. The good pastor is taken to I don’t really give a fuck as long as he can’t get away. Eren’s in the back of the wagon handing supplies down to Mikasa and Armin as I stand a handful of feet away listening to Moblit telling me to meet with Hanji after dinner. Because they apparently cannot tell me themself. Mikasa and Armin pass me with their arms full and from my peripheral I see Eren clapping the dust from his hands. He’s not paying attention to where he’s walking, and I watch as he stumbles in the back of the wagon. I move faster than lightning in order to catch him before he falls, but as soon as his weight hits me, I feel my ankle crack and we both go down. My back hits the cold earth with Eren on top of me. I can’t breathe.

“Heichou!” The kid squeaks as he pushes his weight off my chest which ends up pinning me between his arms with him looking down at me with panic in his eyes. Why doesn’t he just get off me? “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I reply coldly and push him to the side as I sit up. My ankle throbs painfully when I try getting to my feet. I wince loudly, and before I crumble back to the ground, Eren has ducked under my arm to hold me up. His arm holds me tight even when I try (and fail) to put any weight on my ankle again. “Fuck."

“Levi Heichou, please let me help you.” His eyes search mine with such genuine concern it takes me aback. I sigh heavily and yield by leaning more of my weight on him. His body is so warm, just like it was last night. Why is my heart speeding up? The tip of my shoe skims the ground as I limp into the main room of one of the cabins set up in the fort grounds. Eren lowers me into a chair and runs to get me water even though I told him I didn’t need any. He’s a stubborn little shit.

 

 “But he’s cute.” I absently mumble to myself then my eyes widen. Cute? Did I really just say that? I take a shaking breath and run a hand through my hair. Since when has he been cute? I mean, there’s been many times that I have found him endearing in the same way a puppy is, but thinking that had never left butterflies in my stomach. I groan. It’s  true that my fondness of the brat has grown substantially since he’s come into my squad, but when did it turn into this? Why did last night impact me so much? 

“Heichou! I found ice!” Eren announces enthusiastically as he burst back through the door. I fight back a smile because, fucking hell, he is not cute!

“Thanks kid.” I stretch out my hand for the ice pack, but his back is already to me as he pulls another chair over. “Eren, what are you-”

Before I can finish, he has lifted my foot to rest on his lap as he sits opposite of me. He gingerly places the ice pack to my swollen ankle. His cheeks are tinted red. “My dad always said to elevate a swollen ankle when there’s ice on it.” 

“Then why didn’t you just grab a pillow?” Not that I’m complaining. 

Eren’s face gets redder. “Sorry, heichou, did you want me to get you one?” 

I sigh. “No use now, my foot’s already up.” I watch him gulp and I internally smile. “Just don’t move for a while.” He nods. A few silent minutes of watching him nervously bite the inside of his cheek pass. “Eren, just say what you want to say.”

“Huh?” He looks up startled.

“I can tell you want to say something so I’m telling you to just let it out.”

Eren’s eyes widen then look away bashfully. “I was just thinking…”

I hate it when people don’t just finish their damn sentences. “Thinking about what?”

“N- nothing, sir. It’s stupid.”

"Out with it, Jaeger."

He takes a deep breath before starting. "I was just thinking about how last night was the first good night sleep I’ve had in a _long_ time.” _Me too_ . But I can’t say it outloud because I don’t know what that would mean. Because I don’t know how I feel. Don’t know if I really want to open that door. Hell, I don’t know if I even _can_ without hurting him. When I don’t answer, he begins to panic. “I- I’m sorry, heichou!”

“For what?”

“I didn’t mean to cross any lines, please just forget that I said anything.”

Well, fuck. “Don’t worry about it.”

"W-what?"

"I said don't worry about it, Eren." I make sure to speak clearly this time. “You didn’t do anything wrong.

"So,” He looks me dead in the eye with the smallest of smiles on his face. I can tell that he's nervous about something. “Does that mean I can do it again?”

Wow, I sometimes forget how bold this kid can be. I sit up a little straighter. “Is that what you want?”

Maybe I’m imagining it, but I think he’s getting closer. “If that’s okay with you, Heichou.”

My heart is hammering in my ears. Yes it’s okay, but no it’s not because I’m his superior and he’s my subordinate. His hand is now resting on the side of my chair, slowly sliding back as he continues getting closer. Then again, it’s just sleeping. It doesn’t have to be anything else, we’re just helping each other get through the night. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? “I guess I wouldn't mind it.”

“Okay.” His smile spreads with trepidation. When did he get so close? Why can’t I move? Is that his heart or mine? His hooded eyes flutter closed and if I don’t do something right now, he’ll finish closing this small gap between us.

“Eren.” I draw out in warning as I feel the blood flood my cheeks. Still I don't move, I can't make myself. And when his hot breath spreads across my lips, I realize that I don't want to.

A loud knock on the door snaps both of us back to our senses and Eren immediately backs off with a look that tells me he’s just as surprised by his actions as I am if not more.

“S-sorry.” He mutters with the same look of shock- of horror- on his face before quickly looking away. “I’m sorry!”

Walls, he looks like an utterly mortified tomato, and he won't even meet my eyes. _Kid, it's not like I really tried to stop you._ “It's-”

“Levi heichou?” Somebody’s voice I don’t recognize cuts me off. “Squad Leader Hanji is looking for you.”

“Tell them to get me themself!”

“Sir?”

“Never mind, I’ll be right there.” I sigh. Eren’s still beat red when I nudge him with my foot. “Looks like I’m going to need your help again, kid.”

“R- right!” He hops to his feet, obviously forgetting that my foot was on it.

“ _Fuck!_ ” I wince.

“Oh Walls, I’m so sorry, Heichou!” He rushes to my side.

“Stop apologizing.” I mumble as I throw my arm over his shoulder. He feels like he's burning up as he helps me to my feet. Together we hobble to find Hanji and the others gathered around one of the tables in the main hall.

“Awww.” Hanji starts as soon as she sees me. “Levi I never thought you’d let someone be your crutch. Could that mean that you’re actually human?”

There’s no hesitation when I flip them off. Mikasa looks away half in anger half in guilt as Eren sets me into one of the chairs. Good, she should feel guilty so she doesn’t do anything so reckless again. Hanji gives us the lowdown on everything she got out of Pastor Nick. I watch as Eren tenses up at the names that were given and Armin deflates in his seat. Poor kids keep putting their trust in the wrong people. When all's said and done, there’s no way around it, they have to leave straight away in order to catch up with Mike’s squad, and I’ve been ordered to stay behind.

If I hadn’t hurt my ankle even more than it already was- if Eren weren’t so fucking clumsy- I probably would disobey the order. I don't know why I just _had_ to save that little brat from his own helplessness- It's not as though he wouldn't have healed right away if he did get hurt.

I’m strapping the saddle bag onto Eren’s horse when he comes up beside me with a full canteen. When he slips it into the bag, his hand lightly brushes against mine, and he jerks it away quickly.

“Sorry.” He mumbles.

I grab the hand now resting on the saddle tightly. “Apologize one more time, Eren.” I warn lowly. He’s still avoiding eye contact. “I dare you.”

He gulps. “S-sor-” I squeeze tighter. If I break his hand, it’s his own damn fault. Besides, he’ll heal in 20 minutes. “Okay okay, I won’t apologize again!”

“Good.” I let go and he shakes the feeling back into his hand. He mounts his horse without trouble which reminds me of how much he used to struggle  and my heart swells with pride. He really has come a long way. “I hope your ankle heals quickly, Heichou.”

His horse begins to move.

“Eren-” I call after him. He stops and looks back, finally meeting my eyes. “I’m not going to be there to save you this time. So just don’t get yourself killed.”  

He replies to me with a nod and shy smile. Okay, fine, maybe he _is_ sort of cute.

For unexplainable reasons, I get a great wave of anxiety as Eren gets further and further from my sight.

The memory of his warmth is fading, no matter how I wish it wasn’t it is. I still don’t know why, but I want him with me. Want that comfort once more.That steady heartbeat next to mine. I want the assurance that he is safe because I would never forgive myself if he wasn’t. Long after darkness has fallen, no matter how much I’ve tried- am trying- I can’t let go of this anxiety. Without him with me, I know I won’t be sleeping. I can only hope he comes back soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of Riener and Bertolt's treachery, Eren begins questioning his titan powers and what they might make him.

Hell.

That is what these last few days have been. 

My world shifted beneath me once again; and

I have been forced to face the fact that the people I had grown to trust, the ones I unintentionally came to rely on are nothing more than traitors- that they are the very Devils that started all this so long ago.

I am so Goddamn stupid. 

I should have fucking known. 

Just like with Annie. 

I shouldn't have let my sentiment allow me to turn a blind eye. 

There didn't need to be more meaningless deaths. 

Mikasa wouldn't have been hurt.

Erwin wouldn't be left-handed.

Hannes- 

All because of me. 

Always because of me.

I wish they would've just left me behind. I would've been able to escape on my own...eventually. Ymir might have helped. Might have come back with me. We could have fought them together. 

"Eren?" Armin asks quietly from his bed beside my own. I've been lying here for hours. Pretending that I could escape into sweet dreams when really I'm trapped in consciousness because of the horrors I will surely face should I close my eyes. "Eren, I know you're not sleeping."

Dammit. 

_ Of course you would, Armin.  _

"What do you want?" I grumble without moving an inch. He sighs.

"You need to sleep, Eren." 

My body tenses. Something like anger fills me. 

"What about you!?" I bite back quietly enough to not wake anyone else. I've propped myself up to face him. "Why does it matter to you? I don't need to be monitored!"

"Why does it matter to me?" He starts, sitting up to match me. Even in the dim light of the moon I can see the concern etched in his face. "Because, Eren, you are the only family I have left, and I don't want to see you killed because you were too sleep deprived to do anything." 

Anger and guilt bring tears to the brim of my eyes. I throw myself back down, facing away from him once again. 

This is Armin. He's done nothing wrong but care about me. Even if that in itself is a mistake, he doesn't deserve my anger.

"I'm sorry, Armin." I say no louder than a whisper. I don't know if he can hear me, but I can't bring myself to speak any louder.

"Don't apologize, just sleep." 

Sighing in defeat, I close my eyes.

He's right. He's always right. I need to sleep. Regardless of if I want to. 

After a few silent minutes without any horrific images coming to mind, exhaustion washes over me. 

I let a voice of optimism lull me to that final moment before drifting off. 

_ Maybe, just maybe, I can make it through the night. _

~In what feels like an instant, Hannes broken body vividly fills my vision. Screaming, chaos, blood overwhelm my senses, and I'm running. I'm in my titan form running at Reiner, but not to fight him. No, I'm merely catching up with him to outrun our pursuers. I have something precious in my hand. Something we need. 

Ymir has joined my side, Krista’s bloody and mangled body dangling from her mouth. We follow Reiner to the forest. Ymir falls behind to finish off the soldiers closest to us. 

Our pace slows to a stop in the same clearing Annie was trapped in. 

Reiner turns to face me. Berthold stands os shoulder wearing a slap happy smile. Ymir joins us as her human self at our feet. 

"Nice going out there, Eren!" She calls up to me. "You must've taken out a dozen of them!" 

"But did you bring back what we need?" A  familiar voice calls from the shadows. As she steps into the light I'm surprised to find that I'm not that surprised at all. Annie looks up at me and nods to my right hand expectantly. Obediently I uncurl my fist to reveal none other than The Captain. Tiny, defenseless,  _ weak _ . It doesn’t look right. "Go on then." 

She commands. I grunt, and without a second thought hang him by the collar of his jacket right above my gaping mouth. I can’t explain why, but I need to  _ consume _ him. I need to gain his skill, and for some the  reason this seems to be the way. 

Three. 

Two.

One.

I drop him. 

My breath catches in my throat as I shoot straight up from my bed. My heart and head are hammering. I'm drenched in sweat, and my hands are clenched tightly to the sheets. I take a quick look around the room. Armin and everyone else seem to still be asleep. Good, I don’t have to worry about anymore lectures for the time being. I swing my legs to the side of the bed and gingerly make my way to the door. It squeaks when I nudge it open just enough to slip through, but nobody budges. As noiseless as possible I manage to sneak out of the cabin. There’s the tiniest hint of dawn creeping on the horizon. Already stars have disappeared from the brilliant dark sky. Clearly, I slept longer than I thought.  

My fingers lace through my hair as I begin pacing the grounds just outside the back door. While I try to blink back the images of my nightmare, I find my feet leading me away. I just need some space. I just need to think.

I was working with them. I was one of them. 

_ Am I one of them?  _

I want desperately to say that I'm not, but I’m terrified I might be. 

What if this new power is proof that I'm becoming more like them every day? 

I mean, controlling titans? 

The only things I know of that can do that are Annie and the Beast Titan. 

Will I eventually end up turning them on the very people I fight for now? 

What if learning the truth turns me against my own cause? 

If that's the case, I don't know if I want to know the truth. After all, ignorance is bliss. 

But as much as I don't want that to happen, I’m too fucking stupid to leave well enough alone. I couldn't live my life without trying to understand- without fighting for my right to live in this world. This big world with all of its wonders beyond these fucking walls. 

And I guess that's just it. No matter how this all turns out,  _ that  _ I will hold on to. 

The pursuit of freedom is at my core. So no matter what, that is what I will always be working toward. But right now, that feeble reassurance isn't enough to simmer down my anxiety.

I need to do something. Anything really. Just fucking move. 

Something to distract me from the image of Levi Heichou dangling over my mouth. 

_ Oh Walls, heichou.  _

Just the thought of him flushes my face. I am so embarrassed. I mean,  _ I tried to kiss him!  _ What the fuck was I thinking!? I guess if there’s one thing I can be grateful for after all this shit, it's that I haven't had to face him since that incident. 

Connie left with Hanji early this morning to report to Erwin, and the Captain will be coming back with them. So at least I have until then to gather my wits. Still, under the layers of mortification, relief washes over me when I think about him being here. I just feel better when I can actually see him. I feel safe. Protected. Even if I ruined whatever comfortable relationship we had formed, even if he never speaks to me again, he’ll be here and that'll be more than enough.

And let’s face it, there was never really hope of reciprocation of these feelings. Not that I really understand these feelings myself, but I truly doubt he'd ever feel the same. Even if he didn’t try to stop me from almost kissing him, I shouldn’t read too much into it. He was probably just trying to be nice. Even though he’s never had trouble being mean before. Hell, he has beaten me to shit on more than one occasion. In any case, he's too untouchable. Too perfect. 

Too clean.  

_ Wait a minute. _

Shit, I didn't even think about that.

He’ll be here tomorrow, and this place is horrid. Not even near his expectation of clean. I have a lot of work to do which is awesome because I still need something sort of mind numbing.

Just as the sun breaks the skyline and casts the fields in beautiful hues of oranges and pinks, I am running back to the cabin. 

Once inside I first find the cleanest clothes I can to tie over my nose and head. Then I fill my arms with cleaning supplies from the closet. Feather dusters, bottles full of who-the-fuck-knows what, gloves, scrub brushes; all I need is the fucking broom and I’ll be ready for business. 

Perfect excuse to keep busy until heichou gets here. Knowing the rest of the squad, I'll probably be working til he walks through that door. Most specifically knowing Jean. 

That asshole.

“Eren. What are you doing?” Mikasa asks from somewhere behind me just as I'm elbows deep in soapy water. I turn to see her in nothing but a pair of loose shorts and a sport’s bra. Oh hell no.

“You’re not actually going out there to train, are you?” I ask accusingly. 

“I’m not going allow myself to get soft.”

“You’re not even healed.”

“I am, Eren. Don’t worry about me.” She replies coldly.

“But I do worry about you.” 

A light shade of pink tinges her cheeks and she smiles softly. “I’m fine.”

“I don't believe you, but whatever.” I shake my head. If she wants to train there’s really nothing I can do to stop her. “Just don't push yourself too hard.” 

She waves me off before stepping outside. I finish up the kitchen to start on breakfast. Everyone else should (sure as hell better) be getting up soon. They're doing a supply run today, so, the sooner they're fed and watered the sooner they can _ leave  _ and I can get to work. We don't have much, but I think I'll manage to scrounge up something edible. Armin shuffles in the kitchen about an hour later. 

“Did you get a good night's sleep?” He regards me thoughtfully. 

My shoulders tense as I continue scrambling the eggs. “I got a few hours.”

He sighs heavily. “Well, I guess that's _ something _ .” 

“Wow, Jaeger,” Jean burst through the door with a smile on his face. “You're making breakfast? And I saw all that cleaning crap in the hall. Too bad you're not prettier or you'd be the perfect housewife!” 

“You want me to clean off that smug expression, Horseface?” 

“I'm just saying,” He begins with a dismissive wave. “It's a surprise that you actually have _ some _ use.” 

“Why you-” I step toward him, ready to wrap my hand in the front of his shirt when Sasha jumps between us and pushes us both away. 

“It is too damn early!” She berates us. “And we have a _ long _ day ahead of us, so just save it for later!” 

Armin is a saint and offers to clean up while Jean gets the wagon ready. I've tied a cloth around my head and face and turn my attention to the bathroom down stairs. By now, Mikasa has changed into regular clothes and leans on the wall in front of me.

“How much do you have left in here?”

“To clean?” I hold my breath as I calculate all that needs to be done. “Like another hour.”

“Sasha, Jean, and Armin are about ready to leave. Maybe,” she starts by pushing her hair behind her ear. “When you’re done, you could help me get firewood?” 

“Um, yeah, sure! But first I really need to focus on cleaning this pigsty.”

“Didn't you just say you only have another hour or so?”

“In  _ here _ , but the rest of the cabin still needs to be done for Heichou-”

“Of course.” She cuts me off lowly before taking a small breath and looking away. “For Heichou.” Mikasa turns away from me to the door. “Just send Historia out when she’s finished helping load the wagon.”

“I  _ can _ help I just-.” I’m cut off as she lets the door close behind her. “Okay then.”

What was that about? She seemed not only annoyed but almost defeated.

I’m still staring at the empty space she was standing when Jean marches in with a look of disgust. Sasha follows, too caught up in yawning to pay attention to me, and Armin regards me with sympathetic eyes. None of them say a word before leaving. Seriously, did I miss something?

In any case, now that they're gone I have a real chance of getting this place cleaned up. 

I finish the kitchen before moving upstairs to clean our room and holy shit am I glad I did. Armin and Krista were the only ones considerate enough to actually make their fucking beds. Even Mikasa left her’s in disarray. I let out a frustrated groan and waste no time in crossing the room to throw open the windows. 

Time to get serious. 

I leave the room with tucked corners, boots lined under bed frames, and all the clothes neatly hung. Across the hall from us is what will be Levi heichou’s room. It is mostly perfect. The bed is made, the room seemingly clean, but as I flick my finger across the surface of the dresser I find a thick layer of dust. Which means a couple hours wiping down every surface, visible or not. The entire bed set before need washing as will the curtains. Hopefully I'll have time.

A wash basin has been filled in the yard and I unceremoniously dump the sheets and blankets in before I work them over. First of scrubbing it all together, then individually on the washboard. Once they're hanging in the breeze, I set my sights on the mattress. Not that I can do a lot on this kind of time crunch, but at least I can beat it out a bit, which is exactly what I do after propping it against the wall up on the frame. Once the dust from the mattress settles I begin sweeping. 

By the time the gang gets back, the majority of the firewood is stocked, nearly every floor and surface has been scrubbed down in our room, the captain’s, and the bathroom. I’m just starting the living room. 

I hear them talking from the kitchen and shuffling from outside to in. 

“I HEARD THAT, POTATO GIRL!”

Damn.

"Guys," I start in the kitchen doorway. “Did you brush off all the dirt and dust on you before coming in here?” 

“Wha…”Jean starts in a tone that tells me he’s just about to bitch about being asked. “Of course we didn’t. Just look at all the stuff we’re carrying. It’s pretty obvious that we couldn’t.”

“...Do you still not get it? Do you think Captain Levi will be satisfied with soldiers who act like that?” I can’t fucking believe this guy! I went over this last night for the better part of an hour. “This morning, too! If I hadn’t made your bed, then-”

“SHUT UP!” He interjects. “ARE YOU MY MOM OR SOMETHING!?” 

Saved by Mikasa and Krista bringing in the rest of the firewood. Fuck Jean. Petra would have had him scrubbing the floorboards on his hands and knees without having to blink of her eyes. Nobody can refuse her.  _ Could  _ refuse her. 

If only these lucky bastards knew. If only they truly understood the size of the shoes they have to fill. Mikasa is really the only one here that can fit the bill, but everyone else has a long long way to go. 

_ If they even last that-.  _

Stay busy.

I just need to stay busy and I won't be able to think such things. 

Even though I do. 

It's always on the back burner in my mind. 

Will they make it? 

Will I ever see them again?

_ Dammit, Jaeger, there's cleaning to be done! _

This would be easier if I had some fucking help. 

Armin takes on the responsibility of actually organizing the storage shed as they unload the wagon, Krista agrees to clean up the dirt she and Mikasa tracked in, Sasha focuses on dinner- hopefully we'll actually get some of the food she's cooking- Mikasa has taken up residence with her feet up on the couch- I can't tell if she's upset by something or fighting back the pain from her injuries, not that she'd tell me either way- and Jean is reluctantly left with the dining room.

Meanwhile, I continue scrubbing down the halls. 

Just as Sasha’s stew is simmering steadily on the stove, we all take our turns cleaning ourselves up. Well Armin, Krista, and I do. Mikasa thinks it's a waste of time since she plans on training again. Jean pretty much does whatever Mikasa does, but tries to disguise it as his own idea. Sasha is far too involved with the cooking to part from the kitchen. 

Whatever, I for one am not going to reek when the captain gets here. I scrub myself vigorously from head to toe and even pick out the cleanest of my clothes to change into. As I do, I run through every possible scenario that could happen when the captain sees me. Best being he falls madly in love with me, worst he kills me, but most likely he’ll never talk normally to me again. I don’t know if I could handle that. I can't breathe with all this anxiety.  _ Calm down, he probably doesn't even remember it.  _ Yeah… with everything that's happened since then, it's possible he forgot about the whole thing and things could go back to the way they were.

With time to spare, Connie comes bursting through the door. "What is that heavenly smell?" 

"Definitely nothing for you." Sasha retorts. Connie is taken aback, clearly oblivious to the sarcasm in her voice. 

"Dinner will have to wait," a deep voice states with disinterest. "We have things we need to discuss first." 

“L-L-Levi Heichou!” I stammer as I lead the squad in a salute. He regards me slowly, then he starts toward the table and takes a seat at the head. My heart is hammering, heat floods my cheeks, and my mouth feels incredibly dry. I think he might remember. 

Well shit, how the hell do I proceed now? Maybe if I just act like _I_ forgot, he will forgive me and everything will go back to the way is was. _That’s a stupid idea._

“Eren,” Levi calls my attention back from the blank wall I have apparently been staring at and gestures to the open seat on his right. “Are you planning on joining us?” 

“Umm…” How can I resist while everyone’s eyes are on me with  _ ‘the fuck are you doing, weirdo?’  _ written all over their faces. I practically trip over my feet on my way over.  _ Calm down, just avoid his eyes at all cost.  _  “Sorry, sir!” 

“Don’t apologize, brat.” Levi drawls. “Just pay attention.” 

Sasha comes in with a tray full of teacups, though the only thing in them is hot water with lemon, then takes the seat between Jean and Connie. As everyone gets settled, I feel a small kick on my foot. Before I can help it, my eyes move to the source of it who is taking a small sip from the chipped cup he holds at the rim. The captain flicks his gaze to me, and I immediately look away.  _ What happened to avoiding eye contact? _ Shit.

The hairs on the back of my neck rise and I can clearly picture him raising a curious eyebrow. He’s analyzing me, no,  _ scrutinizing  _ me. With my attention focused on the surface of the table, I watch as Levi drums his fingers a few times. They stop suddenly and are pulled back to the edge of the table; I watch as his wrist twists off the edge. 

Oh no. 

“You should have had plenty of time.” He addresses the table with his dust covered fingers held out in front of him. Dammit Jean! Fuck! Face meet palm. “Well…” He starts as he begins to wipe the grime off. “Never mind that now. We’ll talk about your lax cleaning job later.”  _ I tried, heichou! I fucking tried!  _ Well, maybe this time they’ll actually listen. “Right now, we need to get organized and plan our next move.” 

Right, straight down to brass tacks. 

Our plan is good enough. Hell, most of it depends on if I can do anything that is actually helpful as a titan. Or if we are all royally fucked. As always, it seems as though the fate of the world is in my very incapable hands. 

Levi eloquently excuses himself to “ _ go take a shit _ .” which we all take as a queue to finish up dinner. We are recruited as potato peelers, Krista mans the stew, and Sasha runs madly tasting everything. 

“I’m just making sure everything tastes alright!” She states in defense when Connie refuses to let her near his batch of vegetables. 

...

“Do you have what we need?” 

“Annie, no. This isn’t right.”

“Do you have him, Eren!?”

“Yes. I have him.” I sigh in defeat. 

I open my giant hand to reveal a bloody mangle body. 

_ Armin.  _

Annie, in her full titan form, sways over to me slowly to pluck Armin from my hand and dangle him over her mouth. I yell in horror, and with one gulp he’s gone. The only semblance of his existence is the blood dripping from her mouth. 

Ymir is hunched over on the ground devouring Krista. 

Riener is taking his time tearing Jean apart. 

Mikasa-

Oh Mikasa is one of us. 

Black hair waving in the wind as she walks over to me. She swipes her finger across Annie’s lip gathering what is left of Armin’s blood. She laps it up on her way over. 

“Eren, what are you hiding?” Mikasa asks in a sing songy with a tilt of her head toward my other closed fist. 

Blood pounds in my ears, I don’t want her to know. 

Gently wrapping her hand around mine-

_ Can’t let her see.  _

-she pries my fingers open. 

_ Levi. _

_ My _ Levi stares up at me. Broken and pleading. 

_ I don’t want to.  _

Then she laces her fingers in my hair. An anchor to pull herself to my ear. 

“Do it.” She whispers. 

“Noo-” I pant as I wake. “Fuck.” I mumble while I try to twist out of my sweat soaked sheets. 

When I finally get the chance to fill my lungs with relatively fresh air, I begin pulling at my roots. 

What the  _ fuck _ ?

I’ve had my fair share of fucked up dreams, but damn. I can still taste the stale blood that hung in the air. Feel the hot breath on my ear when Mikasa whispered to me. Can still see Armin, shattered then devoured. Hear Levi’s whimpering pleas. 

I need to fucking breathe. 

Rough wooden floors creak beneath my weight as I do my best to tiptoe outside. There are more people now, so I need to be extra careful not to wake anyone up. Particularly of the subjects in my dream. I need some time to shake their images from my head. 

The backdoor greets me with the same muffled groan as it did before. The breaking of dawn, however, does not. By the looks of it, I barely made it a few hours. 

This marks the second time in a row that I have dreamt of being one of them. 

A traitor.  

I don’t know if I can handle it. Maybe it’d be better if the world were rid of me. That way I couldn’t turn on anyone. That way nobody else would have to be sacrificed in my name. 

“Eren?” A familiar deep voice sounds from behind. His weight shifts on the porch until he’s close enough that I can feel him studying me.

Damn. Of course it’s  _ him _ .

“Yessir?” I slur, still unable to turn around and face him.

“Why are you awake?”

“Why are you?” I inquire blankly, momentarily forgetting formalities. “Sir.”

“You can drop the ‘sir’, Jaeger.” He says simply before he comes over to lean on the post beside where I sit. He doesn’t ask me anything else. Doesn’t push for an answer to the one he already did. He just stands and stares up at the endless night sky.

Curiously I look up myself. 

Glistening stars beckon my eyes. I was so wrapped up in my own mind that I failed to notice the way they called out to me. I would have continued to deprive myself of the sight if not for this man. This man stoically basking in the starlight. 

The very view takes my breath away. The million twinkling lights reflecting in his eyes and the way he’s getting lost in them.

Does he even realize I’m here? 

Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me if he does. I’m getting lost in him the same way. 

There’s a tranquility in his eyes, but a deep sorrow etched in his features. He is simultaneously relaxed and incredibly tense. Such contradictions should not fit a person so well as they do him. He’s breathtaking. 

Before I can stop myself, I sigh- “ _ Beautiful. _ ” 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's had this done for a month and forgot to post!  
> ...  
> Me, it was me.

Being around Eren again seems to have brought back that incredible anxiety I feel whenever he's not a handful of steps away. The last few days I've been too caught up in the aftermath of everything to really separate my feelings. Merging them all into something I was able to push down enough to rest. If only for a few hours. Only now that everything has calmed down a bit, now that I have time to think, I can't stop  _ thinking _ about him. About the warmth in his arms and in his breath on my lips, or the brightness of his smile and the honey of his voice. 

What would have happened if they weren't able to get him back? 

If I were only there with him, we might have actually been able to end this all. Or at the very least I would have stopped them from taking him. 

Seeing how all in all the mission was a disaster, I have no doubt he's down on himself more than usual. Especially since they were supposed to be his friends. 

Just like the girl in the crystal. 

He probably hates himself for not seeing it. 

And that tears me up for him. 

How was he supposed to know? It's not like he was the only one they fooled. How could he hate himself for losing their fight? They've been shifting for at least 5 years. Since the fall, probably even longer than that. They have years of experience. They weren't alone. They had each other. 

Eren has nobody to show him the way with these powers. He didn't ask for them- he doesn't really know how to use them- yet all humanity's counting on him.

And all he's got in his corner are a bunch of flying monkeys who are even more lost and confused than he is. 

I can see it plain as day that he thinks he's alone. 

But he's not. He has his friends. 

He has me. 

Even though they may not really know what they're doing, they're there. 

_ I'm  _ there and I'll do everything in my power to make sure he never feels alone again. 

To make him feel the same way I felt when he pulled me out of my nightmare. 

_ ‘Shh, I’m here.’ _

His voice fill my ears. The memory of his hold warms my skin. 

_ ‘I’ve got you.’ _

I take a deep breath and blink at my ceiling. One thing I’d realized while he was gone- as it dawned on me that I may never see him again- is that I really wish he had just finished closing that small gap before leaving. I would like to taste those lips even once. 

The floor outside my door creaks enough to snap me to full attention. 

I sit straight up in my bed, my hand already grabbing for the knife on the bedside table, but I let it go as the noise grows fainter. That means it’s someone going out, not someone coming in.  

Assuming that they had gone to the bathroom, I wait a few minutes for their return. Then a few more. 

Nothing. 

Shit. Better go check on whoever it is. 

Much quieter than the last guy, I pad my way through the dark cabin. When I reach the main level I blink a few times to adjust to the sudden moonlight flooding through the windows. I look through them to find our mysterious friend when I spot the small tower with a guard standing post. I seriously doubt they’re anywhere in that direction. I have a sneaking suspicion that they want to be alone. Why else would someone sneak out of the house in the middle of the night?

Unless they’re a spy. 

Which, honestly I doubt. 

I choose my company carefully, and I don’t think anyone here would do such a thing. 

Knowing whoever it is would want some space, I follow a path I assume they took through the kitchen to the porch. 

Yes, I’m intruding on the privacy they’re after, but I need to at least see who’s out here. 

I noiselessly crack the door to see a familiar figure sitting on the edge of the porch with hunched shoulders.

“Eren?” I prod for a confirmation to what I already know.

He doesn’t answer, but his head does ducks lower and even from here I can see that his breaths are coming in shorter. 

“Yessir?” He drawls, still unable to even look at me over his shoulder.

“Why are you awake?”

“Why are you?” He quips, and much to my annoyance hastily tags on, “Sir.”

“You can drop the ‘sir’, Jaeger.” I say in exasperation as I cross the small distance to the edge of the porch and lean on a post just beside him. 

He still hasn’t answered my question so I must assume he doesn’t want to talk about it. I can understand that. So I leave him to his thoughts. 

I don’t know what exactly compels me to do so, but I lift my chin to the starlit sky. 

It takes my breath away. 

I had forgotten how beautiful it is. How it holds you in awe. 

Endless.

Completely untouched by the cruelty of this world.

How it makes you feel like you’re a part of something bigger- something beautiful. 

A silent promise of freedom. A promise torn away from the two people who opened my eyes to the beauty of this world under the very same dark sky riddled in endless, glistening starlight.

And I miss them. 

And I hope with all of my being that they might have made it to that impossible place of unconditional freedom. 

The hairs on my neck are prickling; alerting me that Eren has given up his star gazing in favor of watching me. 

Why? How could I possibly compare to the vast night sky? 

Then, hardly more than a whisper, I hear it. “Beautiful.” 

My head turns to look him as he continues to stare at me intently. As I stand here at a complete loss for words, the intensity of his gaze grows. 

What did that even mean? 

Is he being serious, or is he just fucking with me? 

_ Does it look like he’s fucking with you? _

Actually, it doesn’t seem like he even knows I heard him. “Did you say something, Jaeger?”

His eyes widen like he’s just realizing now that he’s been staring at me. Even from here, I can see the blush on his cheeks.  _ Cute. _ “N- no, sir.”

“You weren't thinking of trying to kiss me again, were you?”  

Oh, wow, he’s even redder and he hastily looks away. He didn’t actually forget that he did that, did he? “No.” 

“No?” 

Eren gulps heavily. “Yes.”

I smirk. Walls, messing with him is too fucking easy. “So you were?”

“N- no!” He stammers.

“Well, which is it, Eren?” Is is wrong to wind him up like this? Probably, but he’s so fucking adorable when he’s flustered. “Yes or no?”

“It’s- er- no?” He shakes his head. “I- I was just saying yes that I said,” He gulps. “n-no.” 

“Hmm.” I click my tongue and push myself off the post. “Too bad.” 

“Wha- um- sir?”

“What did I say about the ‘sir’?”

Eren averts his eyes. “S-sor-”

“And what did I say about apologizing?”

“Right…” He clears his throat before looking back up at me. “But, um, what did you say?”

“Not to do it.” 

He takes a deep breath. “I mean, what did you say before that?”

“Oh,” I fold one hand into my pocket and run the other through my hair. “I said that's too bad.” 

“What is?”

The corner of my mouth pulls it into a half smile as I squat beside him. “That you aren't going to try to kiss me again.”

His eyes are wide and I can tell he’s holding his breath. I watch his tongue dart over his lips as his gaze falls to mine. “Why is that too bad?” 

“Because,” I bring my right hand up to run through the tangled mess at the back of his head and begin pulling him to me. “It means I’ll have to do all the work.” 

There’s a look of shock on his face that I catch right before I close my eyes and meet his lips. At first, he’s frozen with his lips pulled tightly across his face, then he relaxes and responds. It’s soft and sweet and so  _ so _ obviously his first kiss. 

My hand drops out of his hair as my eyes open to capture this moment- Eren’s chin is still tilted to me, his lips are parted and cheeks red, he’s completely breathless, and his eyes are still closed. Sina help me if he gets any cuter.

I smile at the sight and stroke at his cheek with my thumb. His eyes flutter open, dazed and positively on fire. Then he graces me with an open mouthed grin. The kind that makes my stomach flip. 

“Eren.” I whisper as my thumb gingerly swipes the heavy bags under his eye.

“Hm?” He hums through a more relaxed smile. 

“Be honest,” I start with concern. He tilts his head in confusion. “When was the last time you actually slept?” 

“I’ve been getting a couple hours a night, “ He starts, smile faltering as he focuses on running through his mind. “So it’s not like I  _ haven’t  _ been sleeping.” 

“You know what I mean, Eren. When did you get a  _ good  _ night's rest?”

He sighs, then that bashful expression makes its way back on his flushed face. “Actually, the last time I really slept was when I was with you.” I regard him thoughtfully while trying not to give away the fact that my heart is racing. “What about you? Anymore nightmares?”

“Every time I close my damn eyes.” 

“Yeah.” His face falls and he turns his gaze back to the night sky. “I know how that goes.”  

“Well, on that note,” I clap my hands together and stand. “Since we’re both fucking exhausted, I’d say it’s about time to go back to bed.” 

When he doesn’t move, I tap his shoulder to offer him my hand. He takes it and spins around to get on his feet. I don’t want to let go of his hand, but I’m not entirely sure how to proceed so I let it drop. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. He almost sulks behind me as we creep back up the stairs. When we get to the end of the hall, he turns away from me to their room. 

“Oi,” I call in a hurried whisper. Eren turns to me with confusion etched in his brow. “Do you need a formal invitation, or something?”

“Huh?” 

“I said  _ we  _ should go back to bed.” 

“We?”

Mother of Sina, what an idiot.

“You’re the one who asked if you could sleep with me again.” I recapture his hand and pull him into my room across the hall. It takes him off guard, but when I relight the lantern I see that expression of shock has been replaced. “Stop smiling at me like that, it’s creepy.” 

“Sorry.” This time I don’t hesitate to punch him in the arm. Well, he asked for it! He winces and opens his mouth. “S-”

“Don’t you dare.” He gulps in response. “Damn right. Now,” I throw back the bedding and slide beneath it. “To get some fucking shut eye.” I extinguish the light and pull the blankets up. “Eren, you gonna stand there all night, or what?” 

He inhales sharply and shuffles over. The next thing I know, his hot body is curled next to mine. I can tell he’s trying his best not to touch me, but it’s a small bed so it’s not really working. I sigh and turn myself around to drape my arm over his waist and pull him closer. Eren’s breath catches, and as I hold him I realize I can’t tell whose heart is beating faster. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking time out of your lives to read this neatly wrapped piece of rubbish with some plot if you squint.  
> I appreciate every one of you! :)


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